A year has gone by and there isn’t much evidence to prove it. I started a journey a year ago, March 2012, to a place of health and fat loss. At first things were great. The weight fell off of me. As someone who is morbidly obese the simple act of getting off the couch and cutting out sweets and cutting portions down will indeed make the fat disappear. Then I hit a wall around November 2012 and I am still desperately trying to climb over it with bloody fingers and knees as I scramble and fall.
I haven’t stopped training hard 4x a week. I have had strength gains with kettlebells so I know something is happening to my body. I know nutrition is my downfall. I try desperately to eat well. No sugary drinks, I use stevia in my tea and coffee, vegetables at least in two meals a day, protein in every meal. I have attempted to cut out a certain amount of carbs but it is certainly hard when you’re surrounded by it. I am trying to up my water intake. I feel as if I have the “math” correct but the answer I am getting is: fail fail fail.
I wish I could write and tell everyone that I made it to the 200lb mark. I really wanted to lose 62lbs in a year. Yes. That’s right I just divulged my starting weight. Sigh. Instead I have to disappointingly say I have lost only 40-45lbs depending on the day. This fat loss also happened in the first 6-8 months. I can only imagine that if I hadn’t hit a plateau and I had continued the way I was I could feasibly be 80lbs lighter now. I wish this was so. I am disappointed in my lack of success. I do realize the weight loss I have had is nothing to scoff at. It is indeed a small success. At this rate I might be at my goal weight in three or five years. I wish I could get there sooner.
I will continue chugging along. I know I am healthier. I love love LOVE the feeling I get after training. Those endorphins are pure gold! I have learned so much. Gained confidence and strength. My energy level is amazing. Thank goodness too with a little one whose energy rivals that of the energizer bunny. I wish my body could reflect the new health I have attained, and reflect the hard work I have done. I desperately wanted to wear new clothes this summer but instead I will be in the same as last year. It is discouraging but mostly disappointing. I am not happy about my lack of progress. I knew I could have done better. Less cheat days, work harder, more veggies, more water. The list goes on.
While the tone of this post is a disappointing one, my motivation is still there. I have a friend who asked me and others “why”. As in, why are you doing this. Make that list and keep it in your mind on days that getting up to train seems impossible. My whys are simple: my son. I want to be an example. I want to give my heart and body the opportunity to live long enough to see Xander grow old. I want to be healthy for my husband too. I want to grow old with him. If something goes out first it better be my eyesight or hearing – not my heart or body. I don’t want to be the fattest person in the room wherever I go. I don’t want to have to worry whether or not a chair will hold me. (I even thought at one point that if I were in a plane, my weight would cause the plane to go down. Or I would cause a roller coaster to collapse. Crazy and outlandish I know!) I don’t want to shop in only “plus size” areas of a store any longer. I don’t want to delete every single photo taken of my son and I because of how I look (I also do a lot if cropping because he might be cute but I look horrid!). I want to look healthy, and vibrant. Not triple chinned, rolls hanging, and pale. I want to go camping and hiking one day with my husband and son and not slow them down. I want to do so many things but I am physically incapable of it because of how heavy my body is. I want another child one day but I refuse to be pregnant and fat. I never looked pregnant with Xander until I was in the 3rd trimester because my belly was already round. I see so many cute pregnant ladies out there and I want that one day! If heaven forbid I have to have a c-section again I don’t want to have to try to walk around carrying a 200+ framed body with a gutted belly. It hurts and it was just too much. I can’t have two kids without getting healthy first. I need the strength and energy that comes with health. I just don’t want to be fat anymore. Period. It comes with a lot of problems. I used to be all pro plus sized but I realize that as you get older, plus size just means plus sized health problems.
These are my whys. I keep reminding myself of them constantly. Perhaps some of the whys I have is also why I feel so disappointed of the outcome of the past year. I feel like I let down Xander. I feel like I have let down my husband and my parents who support me so much. I know I have let myself down.
I wish I could be writing a different post. That I had reached my one year anniversary goal. All I can say is that my original FIRST major goal (To reach 200lbs) is still very far away. And when that is far away, the main goal is even further. I have my eye still set on it. Don’t worry I am not stopping. No way am I quitting. I am just angry at what little has happened. I had 365 days and I clearly squandered some somewhere. It isn’t anyone’s fault but my own either. I wish people could see that and not blame others for their unhealthy life.
Well…. 40 pounds gone (woo!)! 80 more pounds to go! (Boo!) Lets see where I will be by this time 2014! Exciting!
***These are my thoughts and feelings. They might seem silly and outlandish but they are valid none the less.