There are times I think back to the actual day of Xander’s arrival and the realization that I was not able to have him without painful surgery or the days after where I was incapable of feeding my own child and it chokes me up. My breath catches and I have to stop myself from curling into a ball mentally and crying about circumstances that were not under my control. I have to remind myself that those moments were fleeting at best and the days after are the days that count. Those days matter. THESE are the days to seize and enjoy.
365 days plus 9 months. This is how long Alexander Keith has been in our lives. Nearly two years he has rattled our norm and changed us for the better.
What can I say that could remotely be profound enough to get across the emotions that I feel toward this little bundle of energy. Only other moms could ever truly grasp the concepts. Honestly no written word can express it. The closest thing I can think of is some ancient language, maybe Greek or Hebrew, that might have a word which has had its true depth of meaning lost centuries ago through translation.
It is different than the love of husband and wife which is even more lost in translation. It is as consuming of course, but different in depth. Both stem from joy. A state of being only given by God himself. My husband is joy. A blessing by God. My son is joy. A blessing from God. God is joy and His gifts are JOY.
Its chicken wire binding my gut, its heart skipping a beat, its a squeal and a giggle. Its tears, laughter, smiles, frowns. It’s the first kiss, the first touch. Its hugs and droolish raspberries. It’s the smell of the tip top head of freshly shampooed baby hair. A cool breeze, the sound of the ocean. Thunder. It’s the sweet sensation of falling and flying. It is the world shaking and turning upside down. It simply IS. I cannot truly explain the depths of it.
Xander is my little baby boy and that he will always be, even when I am 80 and he is well into adulthood and God willing having a family of his own. These past few days, months, and year have been amazing. Absolutely terrifying and wonderful.
It has been a year since he has graced this world with his blue eyed dimpled presence. It has been a year and 9 months since I have carried him. I will continue to carry him until he grows old enough to say, no mom, that’s ok. Until then, and even then, I will carry him in my heart just as I did for 9 months. I will always and joyfully be his mommy. I thank God everyday for this privilege, this honor, to be his mom. I am blessed.
Happy 1st Birthday Alexander Keith!
Photos taken June 21st, 2012 prior to naptime.
This is the look I received when I took one too many photos and Xander is loudly proclaiming “I NEED SLEEP.”
Still cute. IMHO.