My heart grew when Keith walked into the scene. I learned to love and allow myself to be loved. I did not think my heart could handle anymore! Until Xander showed up. My heart bursts with joy when I see his toothless smile first thing in the morning. It almost aches with love. I have this fierce need to show him my love, to tell him I love him all the time, and to always be around him. Even on days I crave to go away for a few moments to have some time to myself, my mind wanders to him. “What is he doing? Is he ok?’ It has been that way with Keith too. Sometimes I want nothing more than just a little time alone but once I get it, I crave the company of the man I love. I guess thats how it should be and how it will always be.I love my little family so much that my life would not be the same without, even for a couple hours away of me time.
Xander is amazing. I am sure every mom and dad share the same sentiments of their own toward their own child/children (and if they don’t then there is something seriously wrong!). He has his moments of course, but 98% of the time he is truly a perfect baby. The other 2% though is crazy, and can make me lose my mind! I need so much work on my patience levels it is a shame. I remind myself though that he is just a baby. I am an adult. His crying or fits is the only way of communication. I am the one with the fine montor functions and language capabilities, not him… and so I need to stop being so gosh darn upset when he gets upset. How stupid am I to get frustrated at that? I guess this happens to everyone to some extent. I have a tendency to now tell my husband when I have lost my cool. Like a mini confession. I ask for forgiveness from Xander and God afterward too.
He smiles and blue eyes can pierce anyone’s soul and melt hearts in the process. He has his dads dimpled chin and right dimpled cheek. He is beautiful.
He is smart. As an adult it is fascinating to me to see him try to work something out one day, sleep on it, and be a master at it the next. The simple act of pouring water over his hands during bath time, watching him, he will stop and simply “feel” the water flow over his fingers. What an act of purity and curiosity. New sensations happening everyday must truly be so fascinating and also overwhelming. To experience simple pleasures that we adults take for granted, he in his act of curiosity sits and contemplates the water in his baby mind, takes everything in. Fascinating for me to watch, and fascinating for him to experience new things. And his body lets him do more everyday. From clenched fingers as a newborn to fully functioning hands, well… sorta. His fine motor skills are getting fine tuned every second. I sometimes think this is where some of his frustrations come from. His mind wants him to do something, and understands the concept of the act but his physical self cannot do it. When he cannot pick something up just right or hold something in a particular way he can get so discouraged. Its as if his mind is far more matured than the little body and muscles are. But he is learning! Oh how he learns! He is such a curious and active little guy. My little guy.
I am blessed.