17 weeks old

I want to remember.

I want to laugh years to come at my silliness and Xanders awesomeness. Xander is my joy. He brings so much happiness to anyone he meets. It is in the eyes. The same eyes Keith has. The same eyes that made me fall in love when I met Keith. I love my son. I have a son. I am a mom. Sometimes it boggles my mind that my life has changed so dramatically just in such a short amount of time.

When I can actually can find a time to myself I feel like my old-before-Xander time self. BX. Only for a moment. And quite frankly I like my new self better. I like my mom self.

I do lose my cool sometimes. Lord knows patience is not a virtue of mine. It is a honest to goodness chore that I have indeed learned over the years but with new brick in the road patience has to be relearned and strengthened. I feel so guilty and sick when I lose my cool. A curse word is flung when those moments strike. Then tears because of what I just said. Apologies to my baby and to God. I do like my new self though. I like being “mom”.

Keith has helped me to like myself and now Xander has too. I love to make that boy smile, to laugh, and to simply curl up upon my chest and sleep with such a purity of spirit. Babies are so beautiful. And to me Xander is the epitome. So sweet, trusting, soft.

I love him with every fiber of my soul. He is the good in me. I pray that he will stay a sweet boy, even when this world may want to tear him down.

Four months. Wow.

I pray for another 90 tacked onto that. 90 gloriously happy years. For Xander, I pray for the world!

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